Blogging vs Writing

Pray for LCPL Tyler McNabb

(My cousin in the USMC deployed yesterday to Japan for a month, then Afghanistan to finish his deployment)

I've had a really rough time lately finding the motivation to write.  I know that sounds really bad.  I'm the one who decided that I wanted - needed - to write this.  But it's hard, which I know, is a really lame excuse.  So many of the things I'm writing about right now are the things that I've worked so hard to keep suppressed and that I numbed myself to them when they were happening, not to mention the fact that I never really let myself think about them afterwards.  Maybe that's where my problem is lying.  I'm not wanting to evoke these things that could make my dad go so far south that when I wake up, I still haven't made it completely north again.

I'm not sure if this is making any sense at all, and maybe I'm writing this only for myself.  But hey, most of what I post here is just that.  Although, I love each and everyone of you that still read this no matter how much I might complain on here. 

So for those of you that read this that are writers, how do you guys get motivated?  It's like, I want to write, but when I sit down to do it...I just can't.  I know the easy fix would be that I should just write something else, but to me, this is the story I need to tell right now.  I don't think I can ever move forward in any way if I don't write this, if I don't allow myself to go back and "un-numb" myself when things were happening.  (Again, this is probably making no sense.)  I told myself that it'd be okay if this draft sucked, because all first drafts do (I should have learned that from the first draft of SOLACE) - that all I wanted to do was do this draft quick like a band-aid, then I could go more in depth and polish it in future drafts.  But that's not happening. 

So, any motivation ideas??

Have a great weekend!
Hanna

I Am From

We had to write an "I Am From" poem in English (I messed up and didn't write mine on a character from To Kill A Mockingbird, but instead wrote one on myself - I wrote one on Scout after realizing this).  I thought I'd post it here to share with you all to end this beautiful week.

I am from a super-sized family.

From Easters spent at Granny's.

From a Harley ride with my Biker Dude.

I am from the best country on earth,

From brave men that have fought and died for Her.

From an undying Faith that He will provide.

I am from countless memories,

From laughing until we cried,

From crying until we had to laugh.

I am from my Mamaw's dumplings,

From cousins eating them right off my plate.

From my Papaw's pecan pie for dessert.

I am from lazy days spent reading,

From free time spent writing,

From dreaming of making my family proud.

I am from the mother I never knew,

From the family I'll always love,

From the place I know I'll always belong.

Write your own "I Am From" poem and post it below in the comments!!

Happy weekend. :)

P.S. In acknowledgement of Congress' rediculous idea to cut military pay in half, to them I say - who exactly do you want defending you and your freedom to be an idiot - soldiers who believe their job is important (because it is) or angry soldiers who hate the people who pay them because they are RISKING THEIR LIVES and are only getting paid half of what they were getting paid?  Honestly, how is this even a good idea?  Military men and women aren't paid enough already as it is and to dock their pay...seriously, there aren't words to describe how stupid that is!! I could use some very foul language right now toward you, Congress, but honestly, I'm not going to waste my time or energy. I'll just say this: My family has fought for this country for as long as I can remember.  My closest cousin GAVE HIS LIFE for this country.  BECAUSE THEY LOVE IT.  THEY DON'T DESERVE THIS.  TAKE AWAY YOUR PAY BEFORE YOU TAKE AWAY THEIRS.  YOU'RE THE ONES THAT GOT US INTO THIS MESS - YOU SUFFER THE COINCEQUENCES UNTIL YOU CAN FIX IT!  GOT IT????

*end rant*

Spring Break and a Reason

So this has been a pretty good (cold) spring break.  It was really different not going out of town this year.  Although, it was kind of nice not having to pack a suitcase full of clothes, not sure of what the weather would actually be like, and lugging my laptop there only to find that the wi-fi doesn't work.  It was also kind of nice to do local stuff.  I think a lot of the time Ohio gets a bad rap for being boring or having little to do or for mostly being populated by corn.  I will be the first to admit that Ohioans don't deny this a lot.  But there are some pretty fun things you can do around Ohio, and depending on your area, you might be able to find something really cool.  If you go to Columbus, you'll probably find more to do than if you stay in a small-town, or even Cincinnati.

Even though it's been an eventful spring break, I still am really dreading going back to school.  I know I get like this after every break, but I just don't want to go back to putting up with certain people's crap at school.  There are some people that just know how to get under my skin and some of them happen to be in a few of my classes - which is never a good thing.  Usually by the end of the day, they've said something that makes me want to go home and text my uncle (who's like my bff) and tell him how stupid these people are.  He's pretty great for putting up with it. :)

I had plans to spend this break reading and writing.  I've done some reading, definitely not as much as I had hoped.  And I've written a whopping total of 1,071 words this week - which equals around four pages.  I've had some road bumps that have made me really not want to write, that have made me question why I'm writing what I'm writing, and have made me really wonder about certain aspects of my life.  And maybe I haven't been all too clear about why I'm writing this for my cousin.  And while I feel that it shouldn't matter to anybody but me, I feel that I have to explain it, because people just aren't getting it.

I owe so much to all of our service men and women, for putting their lives on the line for me every single day.  I have service members in my family - retired veterans, currently serving soldiers, and, as you're probably aware, a soldier that gave his life for this country.  The men and women who give their all, literally, for this country and our freedom are the people I owe the most to.  I haven't had the privilege to know a lot of these men and women or their families, but I did know my cousin that laid down his life for me.  I know his story - because his story is part of mine.  I know who he was - is - and I know how much I loved him.  I can't claim to know his feelings toward me, but I know that my cousin loved me.  I know that he isn't the most famous soldier out there, I know that not many people are aware of his sacrifice, and I know that some of you might not even care that I'm a Gold Star Cousin.  But I feel Jimmy's story needs to be told - in some shape or form.  Granted, this isn't so much about his story before Afghanistan, so much as after and the aftermath of the earthquake that was his death.  My uncle told me the other day that this isn't obsession, as some seem to view it as, it's passion.  Obsession and passion are two very different things.  I've always been told that if you're passionate about something - DO IT.  So that's what I'm doing.  In some odd way, Jimmy got me writing.  If he hadn't been so adamant about people not being at his homecomings, I might have never started writing what I did, and if I hadn't, who knows, I might never have given writing another go after that first night I sat down at the computer and wrote a note to myself saying that I wanted to write.  I have always know that I owed Jimmy so much - for his service to our country, for being such an awesome cousin, for making me who I am, and, in an odd way, for inspiring me.  I don't like to leave debts unpaid. 

That's why I'm writing this.  And while I know that I can never completely repay Jim, I don't know of another way to start making those payments.