Chaos Ensues.

I've mentioned before that I have been debating whether or not it was time for a change.  I have hinted at putting CATCH ME on hold for a little while - maybe just for the summer - and writing this other project.  Lately, I've had little to no inspiration and am at a point in CATCH ME that I'm feeling a little lost, a little distant, a little. . . just out of it, I guess.  If you're a writer, I'm thinking you know this feeling. And if you ARE a writer - please let me know that you're out there!! It's just a matter of making up my mind.

A lot of this has had to do with the fact that I am afraid that if I take a break from CM, it's like I'm giving up on Jimmy.  It's a big internal struggle that I'm facing.  Every time I let myself think about this new project, something in my head plays this Jimmy card on me, and I'm guilted into opening up CM again.  But every time I've opened the Chapter 11 document, I haven't been able to write anything. Not even a word.  And if I'm not going anywhere with it, it seems to me that I should continue on writing SOMETHING.

Another thing that comes to mind that scares me bleepless is the fact that part of this project involves a subject matter that I know little to nothing about.  I have a friend who does, so maybe I should enlist his help.  I could research it, but at this point I've let myself fall so in love with this story, that I don't really want to sift through something that could change my mind - if that makes any sense?  And I'm really afraid that what I'm envisioning and planning won't actually be plausible, or even real.  It can only be fiction to a point, you know?

I had considered beginning writing this new project today.  But all day I've found something to reason against it.  So I really need your guys' help, if you're reading.  I need help here deciding what I need to do.  I don't want to abandon CM, but right now I'm just not feeling it.  And I cannot explain to you how bad that makes me feel to say that.  I feel like I'm betraying Jimmy in so many ways.  He inspired my writing in so many ways. . . see, I go in circles!!

Please help.

Ever,

Tuesday Thoughts

Surround yourself with the people you love.

That's all I've got this week.

Caged Bird

Sorry that my Tuesday post is coming a little late tonight.  Been a busy day!  (more on that next week!)

So I've been trying to think of something to write all day and it seems that I continue to struggle with the same issues over and over again.  And I'm kind of tired of talking about it without saying what that is and whom it concerns - but I'm not going to do either thing, so.

Anyway, I thought today I would share a poem on here that I wrote awhile back.  It's called Caged Bird.

Iron bars enclose me

The metal shines and gleams

But my wings ache to fly

And no one can hear me scream.

These bars are my prison

You’ve kept me here so long.

Repeating myself like a parrot,

But I’m tired of singing your song.

Set me free

Let me fly away

The things you keep locked up

Will never willingly stay.

In my heart

I know that I still love you

But it’s time for me

To do what I have to.

I know both of us

Are going to ache

But if I stay here,

I’m going to break.

God gave me these wings

And a heart full of flight

Don’t you see I’m bound to soar

And reach better heights?

But you’re holding me down

Forming me in your mold.

You’re wasting my life away

Please release your hold.

I have to go for me

To myself I must stay true.

Nothing can be my cage –

Not even you.

Turning Your Back

The quote above is one that I have taken comfort in for many different reasons on many different occasions.  And today I'm going to write about one of the most difficult things that a person has to decide:  When to let go. 

Here are some things I have learned about letting go:

1) The decision to let go only can become a decision when you have grown to love something. If you had never loved this person/place/thing, you wouldn't have to decide, you would just simply let it go.  That hesitation, that internal debate, that constant pondering of what you should do - that comes from loving it.

2) Letting go is not giving up.  Just because you are putting distance between you and this person/place/thing does NOT mean that you are giving up on him/her/it.  Letting go simply means that you need space, or the other person/thing needs space.  It doesn't mean that you have stopped caring about him/her/it. 

3) You will never stop caring.  I don't think I need to explain this one.

This post, I know, could be taken many different ways - and I know that it will be depending on who you are.  As I write this, I know that I could MEAN it in a couple different ways.  But I'm going to talk about one of the things that I have been battling.

I had this idea for a new story a couple weeks ago.  I wrote it down so that I wouldn't forget it, but told myself CATCH ME comes first.  This idea, however, would not let me go.  I kept thinking about this story, the characters, the things I could put them through and I found myself falling deeply in love with this idea.  This idea came at a time when I was having a hard time writing CATCH ME. 

Here's the thing about CATCH ME.  It's real - in a sense, at least.  It's MY story, it's about MY cousin.  And that's where I have a difficult time putting it on hold and letting myself explore with this idea.  I feel like I owe it to Jimmy to finish CM before I begin anything else.  It sounds ridiculous to feel that I owe something to a dead man that probably wouldn't want this story written anyway, but I do.  Jimmy, in a way, made me start writing and, more importantly, KEPT me writing.  And if I let go of that story right now, I'm afraid I'll forget something or that I will never come back to it.

I've talked to some people about this problem, and yet have found no solace (no pun intended).  Jimmy's dad told me that he had no doubt that I would come back to it when the time was right - but I honestly wonder.  I do like the story, but sometimes I just feel like no one else would enjoy it.  I feel like it's not a BOOK, you know?  I feel like it's just something I'm writing to selfishly keep my cousin near me and feel like he's not completely gone.  I know that that's what I had started this project for - to honor Jimmy in the only way I knew how, but I just feel like I'm not doing him justice.  If you knew him, you probably understand what I mean.

Maybe it's just because it's taken me so long to get anywhere with it.  (Finally got through the first person in the story - whew!  I thought that'd be an easy one for me.  I was WRONG.)  Maybe it's just because this new idea is just so new and nothing attached to me.  But CM is definitely something I'm attached to.  I feel like that's a problem I have when I write.  I get too attached, and then I can't bring myself to do things.

So I can't decide if I can turn my back on Catch Me, even temporarily.  I feel like this is a decision I suck at making.  Whether in friendships or relationships such as this.  Either way, I won't stop loving Catch Me - I won't stop caring.  I promise I'll never stop caring.  But right now I feel like I need to be happy, I need to have fun.  I need to get something done, and I'm really struggling with Catch Me at the moment.  I don't know why. 

And even after writing this, I still have absolutely no idea.