Writing has made me face a lot of my demons - even before I started writing CATCH ME. When I began writing in January of 2008, I had no idea of the struggles that I would face, whether they be internal or external. Over the few years I've been writing I've faced a lot of negativity from various people - relatives, friends, the like - and I've also faced self doubt within myself. And I can't say that all of that doubt has come from other people's comments, because I know there's a part of me that wonders why I couldn't have just been a normal teenager, who obsesses over boys and clothes and other trivial things. I've never been a "normal" girl. For pretty much my whole life, my maturity level has been much higher than most my age. Because of this, it really bothers me when people put other people down just to make themselves feel better. It's something that I've just never understood the point of. Why would you do that? It just seems pointless to me. Whatever happened to the Golden Rule (treat others how you wish to be treated) or "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"? I know that it's hard to hold your tongue sometimes when someone is really getting under your skin, and I'll admit that I'm not always the best at this. If someone is continuously getting to me, I eventually will snap at them, especially if they, even inadvertently, insult my family or are saying something that is COMPLETELY untrue.
I know that I'm kind of rambling and ranting, but here's the fact of the matter (and I'm pretty sure I've blogged about this before - in fact, I'm positive I have): People are who they are. YOU can't change THEM. If you don't like who someone is or what they stand for, then you can choose to walk away from them. It is not right to ask them to walk away from themselves for you. Even if you cannot accept part of them, you should not ask them to change that part of them. Either learn to accept who they are, the parts you don't like and all, or walk away from them. If you cannot accept them, it's unfair to them to have you be in their life because you will, even unintentionally bring them down and make them change something that they don't necessarily want to change.
Here's an example, I write. I want to write. I want to write what I want to write - what I need to write. You cannot control what I write about, you cannot make me want to not write about this. You cannot make me not want to write period. I am who I am, I do what I do. I don't fit a mold because I am me. If I'm not who you want me to be, get over it. Accept me or leave me. If you accept me, good - I'm glad to have you. Just truly accept me and don't just tell me you do. If you choose to walk out of my life, it's for the better. If you're going to do nothing but tell me I can't do something, tell me that I shouldn't do the things I do, or tell me that you don't want me to reach my dreams or whatever the case may be, I don't want you in my life.
I'm sorry that I keep ranting on this subject, it's just something that I'm dealing with a lot lately. I thought summer vacation would offer me a break from this, and in some ways it has, but it hasn't completely. There are always going to be people telling me I shouldn't do this, I shouldn't go through this again, that I should let go now. But here's the thing: I can't do that yet. I have some unpaid debts to pay, some loose ends to tie up, and some broken promises to amend as well as some promises to keep. And until all of that is done, I will not stop this.
Accept me or leave me; Your choice.
This is aimed at no one in particular, just in general. I just get really angered by this really easily. I'm going to try to stop blogging about this subject, it's just something that I'm tired of dealing with. I'm sorry.
2 weeks ago