But that's okay. I don't think anyone really noticed my absence.
But I do have some updates since we last talked.
- I now have a boyfriend (we've been together for 4 months!) and I'm really happy.
- Scotty Bratcher did end up in the top 100 of the Play Crossroads competition, but, sadly did not win the competition.
- I finished my junior year of high school.
Okay, so in my mind, I felt like there were a lot more monumental things that I needed to tell you. I mean, more stuff has happened in the months since I've posted, but nothing that anyone really cares to know about, haha.
But I really do have a point to my post today, or at least, I think I do.
I want to talk about direction. And, more specifically, as it pertains to life.
My birthday is Friday and I will be 17. For some reason, 17 seems a lot older than 16, maybe because it seems so much closer to 18. This summer is my last real summer vacation before college. And that scares me. Because I don't know what I want to do with my life.
I think that a lot of people my age are at this point right now. But the difference between me and them is that they have a plan to some degree and at least think they know what they want. Me? I have no idea.
I always thought education would be what I went to school for and what I did until I reached a point where I could write for a living (assuming I ever get that far). But there are so many changes being made to the education system right now, that I'm not sure I want to be part of that. I want to touch lives and to make a difference to people, but maybe teaching isn't the way to do that anymore.
In my psychology class, we learned that even at the age of 16, our brains are not fully developed. This means that we haven't fully reached who we are going to be yet. And yet, at the age of 17 or 18, we have to decide pretty much what we want to do for the rest of our lives and what we out of life.
And personally? I don't feel ready to make that decision. I mean, of course there are dreams that I have - of being an author, or a photographer, or wife of Robert Pattinson - but the realistic part of my brain pushes those dreams aside and tells me to think logically and responsibly. Because some dreams are more likely to fail than others. And some dreams won't support you, financially.
I really hate to bring money into this because I don't like it when people choose a profession based on the money they'll make instead of whether or not they enjoy the job. But the reality is that you have to be able to make money. You have to support yourself in order to keep doing the job you're doing, or else it's pointless. And if you have a family, you have to be able to support them, too.
But I want to do something I enjoy, something that matters. But I don't fully know what that is.
Basically, what I'm saying is this:
And that I'm lost. I'm really lost. But I don't even know what I'm looking for.
Maybe, I'm just supposed to be trying to find myself again.
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(even though I don't really do anything on it)