Uta Hagen--

"We must overcome the notion that we must be regular...it robs you of the chance to be extraordinary and leads you to the mediocre."

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Years vs. Years

So I have a problem where I compare times of the year to previous years.  I don't know exactly why I do or when I started doing this, but I do.  Last year every time I did this, I found it hurt because I could say "this time last year, Jimmy was still here."  And now it's "this time two years ago, Jimmy was still here."

Two years seem impossible.  It seems impossible that it has been two years since I started my freshman year of high school.  It seems impossible that it has almost been two years since my life changed forever, that we got the news that Jimmy wasn't coming home this time.  Two years?  Think of how much things can change in that amount of time.  It's insane.  I'm not the same person I was two years ago, not by a long shot.  I'm so different now, more sure of who I am, more proud of who I am.  And that, sometimes, hurts.  It makes me realize that I am no longer the person who Jimmy knew. 

I don't really know where I'm going with this, except that change has been on my mind.  It hurts to look back to a year ago (or whatever) and realize that the people you loved most are no longer in your life.  And it hurts even more to realize that some of them aren't in your life anymore by choice.  Whether it's your choice or theirs, that hurts.  It forces you to mourn the loss of someone that you haven't really lost.  And after spending so much time mourning someone I had no choice to lose, someone I couldn't fight to keep, I find it so hypocritical to do that. 

Earlier this year, a friend of mine and I parted ways.  The situation doesn't need to be explained, and, to be honest, I don't quite understand it myself.  I just know that I'm tired of putting myself through pain for the sake of pride.  I miss my friend.  I do.  And I know that I don't have to.  They live so close to me, they are alive and well.  How can I mourn someone, put myself through that pain, when I have a chance to save this?

But it's so scary because I don't know if they want to save it.  But I've made my move.  And although I know that's all I can do, I still worry it's not enough.  And I hate how this is sounding, but I just needed a good vent today.  With school starting, it makes me feel like so much is changing, life's moving so fast.  And I just want to slam on the breaks.

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