Uta Hagen--

"We must overcome the notion that we must be regular...it robs you of the chance to be extraordinary and leads you to the mediocre."

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Absense = Stress

So from previous posts, you should be able to gather that I will do just about anything to procrastinate summer assignments.  Especially on Tuesdays, because that means this blog is an excuse to procrastinate.  Last Tuesday, I didn't post anything here.  And if I didn't post anything?  That means I was really crunching to get my essay done by last Friday.

I am proud to say that I turned my paper in a day EARLY and even turned it in before 2pm.  I was pretty shocked.  I wrote majority of it last Tuesday and Wednesday, then spent Thursday morning curled up with a cup of coffee editing my paper.  It was absolute crap, but I turned it in.  I am just thankful that's over with.

But at the same time, it has begun to sink in (no matter how much I deny it and refuse to acknowledge it) that school isn't so far away. I still have some other assignments to complete (umm, and start).  And those assignments. . . well, it used to seem like there was so much time for me to get them done.  But now?  Not so much.

I told myself that I was going to take a few days for me.  So I did.  In those days, I read the new book by Richelle Mead (which went by wayyyyyyy too quickly - ever notice how that happens when you're trying to put something off by rewarding yourself?), and watched some Gordon Ramsay (who now follows me on Twitter!! @HannaLedford, btw), and went to my family reunion - the last of which was AMAZING.  I love my family so much.

And now tonight I am reminded that I still have a lot to do before I again set my alarms for 5:30am (that thought alone makes me want to throw up).  I need to clean my room (which has actually been a goal all summer. . . whoops), I need to do a few crafty things, I need to have my friend over (I haven't hung out with my friends once this summer, how awful is that?  Life's just gotten in the way of so much), I need to prepare for a scholarship benefit for Jimmy's fund, and I need to get ready for back to school.  I wish that I could prolong time, but not just because of school.

The future always seemed so distant.  Graduating always seemed like some far away event that would never actually happen, you know what I mean?  I mean, sure, I always knew I'd graduate, but I just couldn't ever see that day coming - and I still can't.  I'm going to be starting my junior year of high school and that's crazy to me.  It's seriously almost time for me to enter "the real world."  College. . . that's not so distant anymore. 

A lot of people have brought up the question of what I want to do with my life recently.  And I didn't know what to tell them.  My brother knew exactly what to say: where he wanted to go and what he wanted to major in.  But me?  I always thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life.  But things have changed, and honestly, I don't know if there's a major - a single major at that - for what I want to do.

I want to write, yes.  I want to write novels.  I want to go overseas to Afghanistan and do some freelancing work.  I want to take pictures, but not have my own studio (I don't think?).  I want to be on Dr. Who (that one I'm just going to throw in because it'd be really cool). 

But the thing I want to do most?  I want to make a difference.

We all have those people we look up to; those people that we wish we could meet and that inspire us more than anything or anyone else ever has.  I want to be one of those people to somebody.  I want someone to come up to me one day because of something I've done and tell me that I changed his or her life like so many have done for me.  That sounds a little vain, but I just want to make a difference in this world.  I want to leave it better than I found it.  I want to save someone's life, the way others have saved mine.  I want to meet people from all over, I want to travel and see the world, I want to do so much.

But what will I actually do?  That's the problem. There's so much that I want to do that I wonder how much of it I'll actually accomplish.  There's a part of me that knows which dreams will probably never come into fruition.  But I can't deny that those dreams are still there.

But like I said, there's no major for that.  And the future?  It scares me.  A lot. 

But I vowed that I'd always follow my dreams.  And, as the note on my desk reminds me daily that sits below a picture of Jimmy, "Make him as proud of you as you are of him."  And that idea?  That's what will get me to my dreams.

But, seriously, if anyone from Dr. Who ever reads this. . . I think you're due for an American companion. . . ; )

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