Here are some things I have learned about letting go:
1) The decision to let go only can become a decision when you have grown to love something. If you had never loved this person/place/thing, you wouldn't have to decide, you would just simply let it go. That hesitation, that internal debate, that constant pondering of what you should do - that comes from loving it.
2) Letting go is not giving up. Just because you are putting distance between you and this person/place/thing does NOT mean that you are giving up on him/her/it. Letting go simply means that you need space, or the other person/thing needs space. It doesn't mean that you have stopped caring about him/her/it.
3) You will never stop caring. I don't think I need to explain this one.
This post, I know, could be taken many different ways - and I know that it will be depending on who you are. As I write this, I know that I could MEAN it in a couple different ways. But I'm going to talk about one of the things that I have been battling.
I had this idea for a new story a couple weeks ago. I wrote it down so that I wouldn't forget it, but told myself CATCH ME comes first. This idea, however, would not let me go. I kept thinking about this story, the characters, the things I could put them through and I found myself falling deeply in love with this idea. This idea came at a time when I was having a hard time writing CATCH ME.
Here's the thing about CATCH ME. It's real - in a sense, at least. It's MY story, it's about MY cousin. And that's where I have a difficult time putting it on hold and letting myself explore with this idea. I feel like I owe it to Jimmy to finish CM before I begin anything else. It sounds ridiculous to feel that I owe something to a dead man that probably wouldn't want this story written anyway, but I do. Jimmy, in a way, made me start writing and, more importantly, KEPT me writing. And if I let go of that story right now, I'm afraid I'll forget something or that I will never come back to it.
I've talked to some people about this problem, and yet have found no solace (no pun intended). Jimmy's dad told me that he had no doubt that I would come back to it when the time was right - but I honestly wonder. I do like the story, but sometimes I just feel like no one else would enjoy it. I feel like it's not a BOOK, you know? I feel like it's just something I'm writing to selfishly keep my cousin near me and feel like he's not completely gone. I know that that's what I had started this project for - to honor Jimmy in the only way I knew how, but I just feel like I'm not doing him justice. If you knew him, you probably understand what I mean.
Maybe it's just because it's taken me so long to get anywhere with it. (Finally got through the first person in the story - whew! I thought that'd be an easy one for me. I was WRONG.) Maybe it's just because this new idea is just so new and nothing attached to me. But CM is definitely something I'm attached to. I feel like that's a problem I have when I write. I get too attached, and then I can't bring myself to do things.
So I can't decide if I can turn my back on Catch Me, even temporarily. I feel like this is a decision I suck at making. Whether in friendships or relationships such as this. Either way, I won't stop loving Catch Me - I won't stop caring. I promise I'll never stop caring. But right now I feel like I need to be happy, I need to have fun. I need to get something done, and I'm really struggling with Catch Me at the moment. I don't know why.
And even after writing this, I still have absolutely no idea.
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